I’ve posted quite recently and I know that, probably luckily, nobody reads this, but I’ve been in my head a little bit too much this week, dithering in the darker corners of my conscious and not really liking what I’ve found there.
I don’t know what exactly it is but recently… I’m realising more and more that I’ve dug myself into this deep dark hole and I’ve been digging for so damn long, hoping that I’ll end up at the other sides, and now there is no way that I could claw my way back up the walls to scramble out. I’m stuck. I’ve dug my shallow grave and now I’m sure to be buried alive.
That probably makes no sense unless you are inside my head. I was trying to be all poetic but it just came across as emo and overly-depressed. I really do realise that it’s not that bad and it’s not that I’m depressed about it but more… sad and reluctantly resigned.
You see, like a flaw in an argument of critical thinking, I’ve restricted the options. But this time instead of options to do with library funding or historical buildings, I’ve restricted the options, the confines of my personality.
I’ve built this wall around myself and all whilst I built this wall, others were building bridges and I commended myself for being different and putting up security where others built a weakness and now… I’m cut off. Bricked in. Stuck, locked and trapped between these walls of prickly comments and rolled eyes.
I’ve always been one of those people who “doesn’t do hugs” and for the longest time I’ve been shrinking away from open arms and clasping hands . I find them uncomfortable, I didn’t get good at hugging at the same time as everyone else did. And I was Okay with this. In fact, I was a little bit proud of this; I thought it made me quirky and made the hugs I did give meaning something more.
But now, I don’t know, but I feel like, even if I don’t want to be a person everyone is allowed to hug, I kind of want someone to at least try? I want someone to be a good enough friend to see boundaries but to be the best kind of friend who crosses right over them anyway? I suppose I just sort of feel like I might have missed out on something because hugging and contact… it seems to bring people closer together, establish a connection.
I’ve sewed myself up in a costume of a non-social girl who doesn’t want to be invited to things and doesn’t want to be hugged and who doesn’t like loud music and doesn’t like parties and would never try anything new and now I can’t not be those things. It feels like what everyone thinks you are is what you’re sort of forced to become. And, of course, I made myself be that person in the first place and now I’m not really able to change.
Sometimes I really wish that I could go back in time and do about a million things slightly differently, change my attitude and appreciate what I had back when I had it. I know that though right now I feel like I cannot change anything and that all is full of hope, that in a few years I will look back to this point and think of many things that I could have done and didn’t which makes me feel this massive pressure to try and do things right. I’m always making the same mistakes, always crashing in the same car.
I am made of regret and bitter sorrow.
Also, it’s the Birthday of one of my friends tomorrow and I completely forgot until about an hour ago and I have no idea what to do. Shall I just cop out and blame amazon? Bake a cake and make a card? Re-gift? Arggg life!