“I’m Not Sorry to Say that I Don’t Really Care” And other things I should have said but never did.

Life is full of those opportunities when you could really do something noteworthy, something that would make someone reach out and bundle you into a hug of gratitude for making their life just that little bit more interesting. Or when you could say exactly how you feel and what you think. You know. Movie moments. Moments where you jump into a taxi and shout “Follow that car!” Moments when you stand up in class and just leave. Moments when someone’s getting right up in your face, telling you what they think of something or other and you just say “I’m not sorry to say that I don’t really care.” And leave. Moments where you are the one that people talk about in hushed tones like you’re some kind of legend.

I’ve never done anything like that. I wish I had but I haven’t. I’m that girl who makes up all these speeches in her head that would totally and absolutely at least get a bit of a cheer, and then never says them. I’m that girl who mutters under her breath about injustice and shows sympathy to the victims of it but does NOTHING whatsoever about it. And I want to. I really, really want to.

I want to be as foolhardy and brave and passionate as the Suffragettes or the chartists. I want to stand up, look someone in the eye and say “No.” I want to be Bender, I want to Bridget Jones (bit of a weird comparison, I know) I want to be fearless and bold and unbelievably brave.  But I won’t be

Because the thing is, I know my self unfortunately well. And I know that I could never do that. I’m the person that marvels at the ones who do. I’m not brave or bold or fearless and I never will be. Perhaps I will make a stand once, twice in my life. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll do something a little bit good that someone remembers for a week or so, but I will never be what I want to be.

But that’s Okay. You know why? It’s because every time a situation doesn’t pan out the way I want to, I give it to a character. I give my little situation to a character and I let them say the words I wish I’d said. I give my characters all the things I wish I had. I give them courage and wit and the ability to play the saxophone. And it’s fun. I get to use all those eloquent little speeches in my head and I get to make someone else a legend and I get “closure”.

Still wish I was more like Jane Eyre, but if all of us went around being amazing then there would be no normal to prove that the amazing was amazing… amazing. Um so. Yeah.

Fx

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